Grief Brain: Why Can’t I Think Straight After Losing Someone?

The days and weeks after Bill passed away are difficult for me to think about.

It was the most unreal, out-of-reality time I have ever experienced. There was deep emotional pain, hurt, confusion, desperation, fear, uncertainty, disorientation, and sadness. Even the words “deep emotional pain” don’t come close to explaining what it actually felt like.

The days immediately following his death, I spent a lot of time with my parents and my daughter. My mom and I worked together, and we would sometimes go to the grocery store in the mornings after work. I can still remember what it felt like walking around that store.

Everything felt unreal.

I wanted to crawl out of my own skin. I was physically there, walking through the aisles and going through the motions, but mentally I felt completely disconnected from reality.

If I had to describe it, it was as though I were living on the bare minimum of my brain functioning. I couldn’t think about much of anything.

At the time, I didn’t have a name for what was happening.

Now I know there is a term people often use for it: grief brain.

What Exactly Is Grief Brain?

Grief brain is not a formal medical diagnosis. It is a common term used to describe the forgetfulness, mental fog, trouble concentrating, difficulty making decisions, and general feeling of being mentally “off” that many people experience after a significant loss.

Grief affects much more than your emotions.

When you are grieving, you may notice changes in your ability to concentrate, remember things, make decisions, sleep, organize your thoughts, or handle everyday tasks that once came easily.

You might find yourself wondering:

Why am I so forgetful?

Why can’t I concentrate?

Why am I making mistakes I normally wouldn’t make?

Why does something simple suddenly feel so difficult?

And perhaps the scariest question:

Is something wrong with me?

If you are experiencing some of these things after losing someone you love, you are not alone.

What Does Grief Brain Feel Like?

Grief brain can show up in very ordinary moments.

You might:

Forget why you walked into a room.

Lose words in the middle of a conversation.

Read the same paragraph several times without absorbing it.

Forget appointments.

Misplace things.

Make mistakes you normally wouldn’t make.

Struggle to focus.

Have difficulty making decisions.

Feel mentally exhausted after doing very little.

For me, one memorable example was finding my house and car keys hanging in my front door the next morning. They had been outside all night. Normally, I never would have done something like that. But my brain simply wasn’t functioning the way it normally did.

You’re not alone. In one study of grieving adults, 69% reported a decline in cognitive functioning.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37787947/

Why Does Grief Affect Your Brain?

Grief places an enormous amount of stress on both your mind and body.

Your brain is trying to process the reality that someone who was deeply woven into your life is suddenly gone. At the same time, you may be dealing with disrupted sleep, emotional distress, anxiety, paperwork, financial decisions, family responsibilities, funeral arrangements, work, and countless other changes.

That is an incredible amount for one person to carry. Stress, lack of sleep, emotional processing, attention, memory, and decision-making can all collide.

I experienced this very strongly with concentration.

For a while, I couldn’t even watch television. I would look at the screen and see people, shapes, movement, and colors, but I could not focus enough to actually follow what I was watching. Part of it was cognitive, but there was another layer too. I didn’t want to be entertained.

What was entertainment without my husband?

Nothing felt enjoyable anymore. Eventually, I was able to watch movies and television again. During the couple of weeks I stayed with my parents, I remember being able to focus on a funny movie for a little while. That memory carries another kind of sadness for me now because my dad was still alive then. He was there with me during some of the worst days of my life, and now he is gone too. That is something I will write about another time.

Sleep was another major problem. I don’t know if I slept through an entire night for about three weeks. My mind would not shut off.

There were decisions to make, calls to answer, paperwork to complete, responsibilities to handle, my daughter, our cleaning business, finances, and the simple, devastating reality that my husband was gone. There was always something swirling around in my head.

Research into the neurocognitive effects of bereavement suggests that grief can affect learning, attention, memory, and executive functioning, which may help explain the mental fog many people experience after a loss.
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37172799/

Why Do Even Simple Decisions Feel So Hard?

One of the things people may not understand about grief is how difficult even simple decisions can become.  When your mental capacity is already overwhelmed, choosing what to eat, responding to paperwork, paying bills, dealing with insurance companies, answering phone calls, or figuring out what to do with someone’s belongings can feel enormous.

After Bill died, I pulled out three different colored notebooks.  I separated the major areas of my life that I needed to deal with into different categories. One notebook was for personal affairs I needed to handle after his death. Another was for our cleaning company.

I needed things out of my head and written down in front of me.  At the time, I wasn’t thinking, “This is how I am going to manage grief brain.”  I was simply trying to survive and keep track of everything that had to be done.  Looking back, those notebooks helped me tremendously.

How Long Does Grief Brain Last?

You may be reading this months after your loss and thinking:  “But it has been a year. Why am I still like this?”  There is no exact timeline for grief brain because there is no exact timeline for grief.  Some people may notice their concentration and memory gradually improving over a period of months. Others may experience periods of mental fog for much longer, especially around anniversaries, stressful events, major life changes, or times when grief becomes especially intense again.  Grief does not move neatly from point A to point B. Your brain and your life are adapting to an enormous change. That takes time.  Try not to use someone else’s timeline as a measuring stick for your own healing

What Actually Helps With Grief Brain?

There are simple things you can do to take some of the pressure off your brain while you are grieving.

Write everything down

Do not rely on yourself to remember everything right now.

Use a notebook, your phone, sticky notes, or whatever works for you.

Use calendars and reminders

Set alarms and reminders for appointments, bills, medications, phone calls, or anything else you are afraid you might forget.

Keep one central list

If having several notebooks feels overwhelming, keep one master list of the things you need to accomplish.

My three-notebook system worked for me because I needed to separate different areas of my life. Find the system that makes your own brain feel less cluttered.

Break large tasks into smaller ones

Instead of telling yourself, “I need to handle Bill’s affairs,” I could focus on one phone call, one form, or one task at a time.
Small steps still count.

Limit unnecessary decisions

You are already making more decisions than usual. Simplify the ones you can.

Eat simple meals. Repeat outfits. Create routines. Give yourself fewer things to figure out.

Ask someone you trust to sit with you

My mom came to my house during the day and kept me company while I worked through some of the tasks I needed to accomplish.

Sometimes you don’t need someone to solve anything.

You just need someone beside you while you do the hard thing.

Give yourself extra time

Things may take longer than they used to.

That does not mean you are failing.

Take care of your body too

Sleep as much as you reasonably can. Eat regularly. Drink water. Move your body. Get outside.

These things do not erase grief, but your mind is connected to a body that is carrying an enormous amount of stress.

Stop expecting yourself to multitask the way you did before

One thing at a time may be enough right now.

You Haven’t Lost Yourself

This may be the most important thing I want you to know.

Grief may have changed the way your mind is working right now, but it has not erased the person you are.  You are carrying something extraordinarily heavy while learning how to live in a life you never asked for.  Some days your mind may feel clearer.  Other days you may walk into the kitchen and have absolutely no idea why you went in there. Healing is not always predictable. Your brain is adapting. Your life is changing. And somewhere underneath all of that confusion, you are still there. After losing a spouse, it can also be difficult to know who you are anymore. Your life was intertwined with another person. You built routines together. You made plans together. You became one. Then suddenly, you are standing in a life that looks familiar but feels completely different.

I had to learn who I was again. I wrote about this earlier this year in my post about finding my new identity. https://juliedigitalcreation.online/finding-my-new-identity-after-loss/

That journey eventually became about more than surviving grief. It became about reclaiming my identity and discovering who I was becoming in this new chapter of my life. There were times in those early days when I barely recognized myself. My mind did not work the way it had before. My life did not look the way it had before. Nothing felt familiar. But God had not lost sight of me, even when I felt completely lost inside my own life. And He has not lost sight of you either.

“The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.”

Psalm 34:18

You may feel lost right now. But lost does not mean gone. Sometimes finding yourself again happens slowly, one small step at a time.

Thank you for stopping by and spending your time here at Lost.Loved.Found.
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Until next time. Love, Julie xoxoxo