Feeling Stuck After Loss: Alone in the Void

Grab a seat by the fire. Tonight, I’m just being real.

Hello. I’m just going to write, into the void. I don’t know who’s reading this. Sometimes I think, no one is reading. With the way the world is right now, who reads? We are entertained by videos, reels, visuals, does anyone care about reading anymore?

So, why not? Why not just write and share what I’m going through at this moment?

In the spirit of not letting my emotions control me. In the spirit of allowing emotions to be my messenger and not my manager, I’ve heard it said, just say how you’re feeling. Ok, so here goes. This is anger. This is discontentment. This is feeling stuck. This is frustration. This is loneliness and honestly? This feels like hopelessness.

I got out of the shower this evening, and all of these “emotions” hit me at once. Then comes the question, “Why?” “Why did Bill have to leave so soon?” Then the next one, “will I meet anyone nice again?” It’s actually quite depressing.

See, when I met Bill, we were young. We didn’t know who we were yet. We grew up together. We shared life together. We shared struggles, victories, failures and we established who we were over time.

Then, 22 years later. He goes Home. Kind of abruptly. I haven’t told that story yet, but I’ll get there. There I was…22 years later.
Now, the people I meet also have years of life and experiences. They too have discovered what they want and don’t want. They are opinionated, jaded, some have been hurt, some have never grown up, some are cynical, some are lost. It’s not as easy.

I’m watching a series called “The Summer I Turned Pretty” on Amazon Prime. I love watching it because it reminds me of when things were simple. Young people are simple.

Why do we get so complicated? We are guarded, protective and I think scared.

The thing is, I know that I won’t stay in this state of mind. I know that it will pass. Sometimes it naturally goes away and sometimes I have to make it stop. The thing is, I refuse to stay here for too long.

I do the things that distract me and the things that make me feel happiness and I talk to the Lord.

He knows how I feel. He knows I cry. He knows I am struggling at times. He knows I hate feeling this way. He knows I trust Him. He knows how to get me through it. I give myself permission to go through these cycles of feeling alone, even depressed. Sometimes I just walk around my room and talk it out, alone to Him. I tell Him everything. He already knows it anyway. Sometimes, letting the LORD hear you, heals you. He loves to listen to us. He loves spending time with us and we have no greater Friend than Jesus.

Tonight, I don’t have the answers. I don’t know if there’s someone else for me out there. I don’t know how that will happen. I don’t know why I’m in this position. I do know that I am not the first, nor will I be the last. I do know that tomorrow is a new day and if I need to feel this way again tomorrow, I will let myself, but even if I feel it, it’s not going to dictate who I am. It will not diminish my strength to push through it. It will not tell me to not trust or give up. I will live another day, feeling pain or feeling great. I do know that the pain will come to an end.

This is where we grow. We grow when it’s not easy. We grow when we are surrounded by uncertainty. We grow when we push through the difficult moments. Our muscles are strengthening.

Don’t give up. I will not.

Stay strong.

I know I’m not the only one walking this path. If you’ve felt this heaviness, this sudden, quiet realization of being a ‘party of one’, please know you aren’t alone. Drop a note in the comments. I’m listening.

Love,
Julie xoxoxoxo

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