When Oppression Follows Loss | Finding Hope in the Heaviness

 

It’s been 4 years and 2 months since my husband, Bill, passed away.
I’m flashing forward quite a bit and I have so much to talk about.  So much.

I’m writing in the moment.  But this moment is something I’ve experienced probably 90% of the time he’s been gone. I don’t know how much help writing this will be to you, but I sincerely hope that if you find yourself feeling the same way, it helps in knowing that there is someone out there who feels these things.  I’m sure there are many who feel something similar.

What Oppression Feels Like

Oppression.  I could talk about oppression for hours.
According to Websters 1828 Dictionary (my favorite one) oppression means:
The act of oppressing; the imposition of unreasonable burdens, either in taxes or services; cruelty; severity.
The state of being oppressed or overburdened; misery
Hardship; calamity
Depression; dullness of spirits; lassitude of body
A sense of heaviness or weight in the breast. Etc.

I can relate to much of this; misery, depression, dullness of spirit, and the worst of all, a sense of heaviness or weight.  I was about to describe the oppressive feeling as being something  I carry on my shoulders,  but the truth is, I feel it in the center of my chest, exactly how Webster’s Dictionary describes it.  It sits like a stone at the bottom of my throat.

Carrying this is a tremendous burden and I wish that I could stop feeling it.  It has gone away at times, but it’s a presence in my life that entered when Bill left.

It comes from no longer having him to protect me, emotionally, spiritually and mentally.  My greatest friend and supporter isn’t here.   The burden of being “provider” shifted fully to me. We used to share that weight, but now it’s all mine. This is an oppression I despise the most.

 

The Weight of Doing Life Alone

I lost my best friend, the one I supported and who supported me. I stand alone. There’s a reason I feel its vacancy, one I will talk about in depth in future posts, but it’s a painful reminder to me, just how much of my soul has been exposed to much hurt and loss.
All challenges with our cleaning company became mine.  Every difficult client conversation became mine.  But you know what’s the worst of it?

I can’t ask him how to handle it.
I can’t ask for his opinion, his help, his guidance.
It’s all mine.

As I write this, it brings me to tears.
Time passes and maybe for some, these things never settle in, which is truly wonderful. Maybe for others, they come and go.  But for now, oppression feels like an uninvited guest who has taken residence far too long.

Hope in the Midst of Heaviness

I could write pages about this misery, but I won’t let it win in this small corner of the internet.  I’m not without hope or help.  I feel guilty saying I’m alone, because while Bill is not here, I am not alone and never have been. Not for a single moment. Jesus has never left me.  The Father has never left me. The Holy Spirit has never left me.

He knows.  He knows it’s not easy and He doesn’t fault me for feeling this way. The Lord is the Author of companionship, friendship and marriage.  He didn’t leave Adam alone, even though Adam had God.   God gave him Eve.  I know some people say, “God has never left you,” and for some, that may not bring comfort. Maybe it triggers anger or frustration. Maybe it sounds like something people say to make themselves feel better. I understand that. But the truth is: He is a real Person.  His promises are real. To deny that I am not alone would be to deny Him, because when Jesus revealed Himself to me and I believed in Him, He promised that He would never leave nor forsake me.

Is that hard to believe? Perhaps, especially if people have abandoned you, let you down, or left when you needed them the most.   But friend, Jesus is not like us.  He is not just another person.  He’s greater than we can imagine; a man, God, and Keeper of His Word.

People may fail you, but God never will.  Even though Bill left far too soon, God didn’t fail me. 
If you face oppression, we’re in this fight together.

Prayer Against Oppression

Lord Jesus, You came to set captives free. In Your name I renounce every heavy yoke, every spirit of fear, confusion, and intimidation. Break harassment and oppression off of my life, my home, and my work. Surround me with Your angels. Let no weapon formed against me prosper and every tongue rising in judgment be shown false. Fill my mind with Your peace and my mouth with praise. I stand under Your covering. Thank You Lord, Amen.
Scriptures: Isaiah 61:1, Isaiah 54:17, Psalm 34:17

You’re not lost, but loved and found.

Until next time…
Lost.Loved.Found xoxoxoxo