The Mirror: Finding My New Identity After the Loss of My Husband

The Mirror: Finding My New Identity

Hello friend! Recently, I was cleaning a home (I clean homes on the side for extra income). I was cleaning a beautiful cherry wood mirror. You may have seen them. It was oval shaped and on a stand that allowed it to swivel. I paused longer than I should have.  Mirrors do that sometimes. They hold more than reflections, they hold memory. I was reminded of the mirror I purchased shortly after Bill passed away, bringing back some emotions.

The Purchase

Soon after Bill’s passing, I went to Sam’s Club to purchase supplies and groceries. As I was walking along the aisles, I saw a full-length, very sturdy mirror. It had a gold frame and stand so it could be adjusted. I’d always wanted a full-length mirror because I was never quite sure how I looked from the waist down. I would stand on my bed to look into the mirror above our dresser to get a full-length view. This mirror was nice. Without hesitation, I picked it up and put it in my cart. At the time, I was very distressed, and shopping had completely changed. It took a long time to shop without crying.

I remember driving to Sam’s that day. It was so weird to think that I had full control over our banking and finances, secondary loss of my partner’s role. Bill and I had a system that worked beautifully for us, but he managed the business accounts for our commercial cleaning company that I continued after he passed away. In a sense, I felt a little empowered. That may not sound good, but it was so strange! I was in full control over the accounts, and that area was always his. I assisted him with the business, but he managed everything.

I went there to purchase both personal and business supplies, so when I saw that mirror, I didn’t care. I wanted to buy it. Buying it felt empowering. If Bill were alive at the time of seeing that mirror and I wanted it, he would have told me to “get it!” as he did so many times. He was so giving to me and always wanted to make sure that if I wanted something or just to shop for fun, he made sure I could. Buying the mirror was a purchase that I made entirely without Bill.

The Reflection

The woman in that mirror was no longer a wife.
Whether through death or divorce, the moment you are no longer someone’s spouse, something shifts in your reflection. The label changes overnight. The identity you built beside another person dissolves, and you are left staring at someone you barely recognize.  The mirror reflected that both physically and symbolically.

Who was I?   A widow?

Single?   What does that mean? I hadn’t been “single” for almost 26 years.  For many of the weeks and months succeeding, I didn’t know who I was. And this, to me, besides missing him being with me was the most agonizing shift in my reality: the abrupt and sudden change in my identity.

I had a difficult time looking in the mirror for a while. The person looking back at me was the face that my husband loved. He was so gracious to me in how he saw me. The times when I was not happy with my appearance was something he always disagreed with. He always made sure to say things to make me feel better, and I always thought, “as long as he is happy with how I look, that’s all that matters!” He is who mattered.

So, that face… was hard to look upon because he was no longer here to look upon it.

Identity Lost

This new identity was not good for me. I didn’t want it. I wanted to be his wife. All I’d known for 22 years was being a part of him. We were one person. And suddenly, I was cut in half.

Who was I without him?
Where did I go?
Who am I now?

It’s truly a spiritual work that God does when two people who love Him first come together in covenant. “The two shall become one flesh.”  Genesis 2:24  I never understood the weight of that verse until I felt the tearing of it. It wasn’t about losing myself as a person, it’s about changing from being just Julie, to Bill and Julie being as one person. Our identity was Bill and Julie, and now it was just Julie.

I wrestled with it. I was fragmented for quite some time. In time, I’ve come through it. It’s a long process that I will talk about in future posts. For now, this was one of the many stages of this tremendous life-altering event of my life. Facing this was more than I could have ever thought and something I could never have been prepared for. This is a transition from “we” to “me”.

The Covenant

Marriage is the most beautiful representation of Jesus’ covenant with us. Jesus becomes part of our identity, and He joins Himself to us. We are forever loved and will never be separated from Him! He loves His bride. Bill’s love for me was the most beautiful earthly representation of this.

I wrote before about how Bill and I came together, the night we met. https://juliedigitalcreation.online/lostlovedfound-com-the-night-we-met/

The Mirror Today

I will always keep that mirror.
It still stands in the corner of my room.
It no longer reflects who I lost.
It reflects who I am becoming.
I see a fighter…

And that discovery, as painful as it has been, is also sacred.

And this is something I look forward to writing about…rediscovering self after widowhood.
Thank you for joining me on this journey and as always, God bless.

Until next time.
Lost.Loved.Found. xoxoxo

Continue the Journey:

What to do when a spouse dies
https://juliedigitalcreation.online/what-to-do-when-a-spouse-dies/

A dream I had about birds: Birds sing even when no one hears
https://juliedigitalcreation.online/dreaming-about-birds-rest-trust-faith/

FAQ:

• Question: How do I handle the change in identity after losing my husband?

• Answer: Accepting a new identity isn’t about letting go of the past, but about integrating your love into the person you are becoming. It takes time, grace, and small steps toward self-discovery.

• Question: Why is it so hard to look in the mirror after loss?

• Answer: Mirrors reflect the “old us” that our spouses loved. Seeing ourselves without them can feel like looking at a stranger until we learn to see our own strength.

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